Sunday, April 25, 2010

Baby Grossies

Let's all be grown-ups about this (especially now that somebody else is The Baby) and accept that babies do the grossest things.  It seems that if it comes out of an orifice, it's gooey, stinky, septic, infectious and just plain disgusting.  And all this is from the sweetest little cookie on the planet who seconds earlier smelled like an April morning.  Try as we do, we can't just keep 'em clean for more than a nano-second.  

Be it pee, burp, vomit, snot or feces, babies do it all, sometimes simultaneously.  Here is a list of some perfectly normal baby productions.


I never had the privilege of having a daughter, but I have changed some baby girls in my time.  It seems like just when we get all those little folds clean and dry, she manages to soak herself and her changing pad.  I was hugely cheap and didn't use the disposable pads or diapers, I used the ones that had to be rinsed in the toilet, soaked in the diaper pail, washed in Ivory Snow and bleached.  Sometime changing a little girl results in a small load for the washing machine!

Little boys are another adventure.  First, put on an apron and mask, because the instant the diaper comes off, any urine left in the little guy is headed straight for your eye and chest.  Trust me on this.  Once you've cleaned up everything, it will be safe to diaper the little guy.   My husband and I have video we took when our guys were small, baptizing us in yellow waters.  It's a good thing we each had a sense of humor.

Both our boys were circumcised, so cleaning their penises was easier.  But in any event, the entire appendage needs cleaning - a rash on that part of the baby has GOT to hurt.  Just be gentle but thorough.  

I still think that fresh air is the best bit of preventative medicine around . . . especially with babies.  Most mornings, I'd put the bare naked baby for a short time on a receiving blanket in the playpen.  We never really had problems with diaper rash simply because the kid got a good tidying up and an even better airing out.

Pooping (rocket and other varieties)

Just what is rocket pooping?  For the unsullied, rocket pooping is what a baby does in the early months of life.  It’s perfectly normal although Molly thinks that there aren’t enough baby wipes on the planet to clean up after one.  Here’s a perfect example of how rocket pooping happens.

The sweet young mother is finally able to sit on her episiotomy a few hours after labor.  Daintily, she puts Snook-ums to her breast and experiences her first real hormonal rush that is associated with lactation.  The world is a good place.  The baby suckles and the mommy just glories in her womanliness.  The baby stretches, burps and latches back on to the breast, and just when Mom relaxes . . . thrzzzzzzzppppppppppt - a gallon of orangie green shit ejaculates from the baby’s anus, soaking the diaper, running all over the mommy’s gown and permanently stains any object within 10 feet.  That’s rocket pooping.

Remember, this is perfectly normal.  This, and 10 wet diapers a day, tells the nursing mommy that, yes, her baby is getting enough to eat.  It also tells mommy and daddy to buy stock in Dow Chemical, since the hazardous materials team (Daddy or Grandma or Auntie or entire clans) will be cleaning up for a while.  

As the baby gets older and other foods are introduced into his/her diet, poop becomes a many-splendored thing.  The good news is that the poop develops 'form' and 'substance' and often is easier to clean up after.  The bad news is that it no longer smells sweet.  Either way, be it runny nursing baby poop or well formed manly baby poop, the parent involved gets a heads up when a change is in order.


What baby doesn't earp up milk on a regular schedule?  Just be sure to clean it up pronto.  There are gastric juices in 'em that will eat into anything, be it clothes, skin, hair, etc.  

Projectile vomiting

Projectile vomiting is also perfectly normal.  When this happens, Bubba is usually laying/sitting in his little cot, smiling at you, discussing economics and watching Larry King (sorry Larry).  Suddenly, from out of nowhere, comes an echoing belch worthy of Godzilla, followed by flying streams of vomitus coating all four walls of the room, plus the ceiling and the floor. Once again, daddy races to the garage and gets his hazardous materials kit (or maybe now he keeps it on the top shelf of the baby’s closet?) while mommy bathes the baby and herself.


Yes, even babies nursing on the purest of Mother’s milk get gas, at least if the  mother in question has eaten cabbage, beans, pizza, frijoles or anything else that might give her gas.  It’s natural.  Usually what happens is that the baby tenses, gets really red in the face, squirms, screams and eventually farts.  

Not only are YOU what you eat, your baby is what you eat.  Put down that chili dog!


Of course all babies make snot.  It's their job and they do it well.  Just when you think that YOUR baby is the healthiest little munchkin on this earth, he/she comes down with a cold and the snot factory gets pumping.

John and I would use a cold steam humidifier and one of those blue bulb snot suckers (ok you tell me the proper name!) to keep things under control.  We'd stay away from hot steamers because we were told that often kids actually get worse with warm steam.  

Eye boogers

Yep, babies get 'em too.  We'd just put a drop of baby oil on a Q-tip and dab it away.  Who needs a crusty baby?

Ear Wax

Your pediatrician will obsessively/compulsively check the baby's ears at each well baby exam.  The doctor will tell you if your baby is producing too much ear gunk.  Meanwhile, you can keep the outer ear clean with an oil dropped Q-tip.  Don't go into the ear canal, just keep the outer ear clean.


Both my boys were chubby little things, once they hit their due dates.  When you bathe the little folks, make sure that the fat folds are clean and dry before dressing him/her.  

Scalp Munge

If your Precious develops dry skin on their scalp, be sure you are using a gentle shampoo.  Then, if you have one of those soft bristle baby brushes, once again lightly dab a little baby oil on the scalp and brush gently.  That's usually all she needs, anything more challenging deserves a look-see by the pediatrician.

Frankly, if you find that you are sterilizing your home on a regular basis, you must be doing something right.  Forget the therapist until AFTER the child goes off to college.  At some point they will graduate from diapers and projectile vomiting, but it's soon after that you will find old sandwiches hidden under their beds!


  1. The only difference I know of with little girls is that sometimes, when you dress them up in the frilly little dresses that go with the territory of BEING little girls - they will fill up both legs of their adorable teeny pantyhose with projectile poop. It still makes me retch to recall.


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.