Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Block Busters

Millie writes:

Mollie writes: (red responses)

I am having a no-brain day (if you're a parent – or a human – you know whereof I speak), so I left a note on Facebook asking for “parenting questions.” Here's a sampling from my smart (and smart-aleck) friends!

Why do kids grow up?

Well, in my experience, they all grow OLDER, but they don't all grow UP. Some kids are born old souls; some adults act like whiny little brats. In my own little child-rearing lab, I've come to the conclusion that they're born the way they're going to be; the best you can do is try housebreaking them.

Children grow up because we don't need the aggravation in our old age.

Why don't they grow up faster???

Because you still have plans and faint hopes for a LAC (Life After Children). It's only when you've relaxed, realized you've finally figured out what you're doing and think you have gotten a real handle on this parenting gig that they will up and move out on you.

It takes a full 18 years to put the fear of GOD in them.

Why doesn't my kid grow when he eats so much?

He's using all that energy to peel the paint off the siding on the back of the garage.

He does it to annoy you.  Know how you felt on Thanksgiving when he ate ALL the mashed potatoes and you ate none?  He gained nothing, and you grew two pant sizes?????

Why does my kid grow so fast when he eats nothing but dust?

Kids don't really need to eat in the same way you and I do. They can take nutrients through the skin from non-food sources such as YouTube videos, electric guitars and Cheez Doodles.

It's the molecular structure of dust.  It binds with fat.

Why does a 2 year old poop IN her diaper, take it off, and RUN frantically to the potty? What's wrong with this picture?

From the 2 year old's point of view there's nothing wrong with it! She knows there's a connection between poop, pants and potty; it's just the order that needs work. Seriously, it sounds like she's ready for potty training!

She's sending you a message.  Buy me Hello Kitty Panties and I'll poop in the potty!

What sort of adjustments should parents be ready to make when the kid turns 18?

You should change the locks and have your cell-phone plan adjusted.

Chiropractic adjustments are a good start.  Helps with the whiplash you develop when you realize that, for all intents and purposes, your kid is a fait accompli.  

(I'll answer that last one in greater detail tomorrow.)

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