When Sex Dries Up

Anonymous writes:

If I'd known the sex would all but dry up when we got married, I might have approached things differently. I don't like having to be the one constantly asking for it. I want my man to be aggressive and pursue sex with me instead of just giving it a go when I pursue it. I just hope I can make peace with it, since the rest is pretty good. Maybe I need to let him chase me a bit more... I just can't stand games.

Mollie writes:

Sex sure is a temperamental part of marriage, especially once the babies come home. Hang in there. Have you considered a "date night" like Millie's? Also, just a little honest chat?

Remind him that you married him for more than sex and be sure he knows he's appreciated for everything he does, in and outside the bedroom.

Millie writes:

I can’t stand head-games, but bed-games are a different story. Think back to before you were married, when the sex was (presumably) good; have your approaches changed since you tied the knot, or is it your expectations that have changed?

One suggestion for perking up the conjugal blahs is to flirt. If you think of flirting as a game that you don’t “have” to play anymore because you’re married, think again. Too many women act like sexy little bundles of cooing admiration until they get that ring on the finger, and then “Get Husband” becomes one more crossed-off item on their To-Do lists and the only times they talk to the poor bewildered guy are to tell him to take out the trash and to yell at him for not being more romantic. Maybe he wonders where his playmate went.

You don’t have to play dress-up (unless you want to) and speak to him in a teensy little Zooey Deschanel voice (unless he likes it) to flirt. Just drop a comment at breakfast time: “Huh; I have the feeling I’m gonna be feeling reaaaal frisky tonight!” to give him something to think about during his workday. Admire his arms (a squeeze and a “H'm!” is enough) or run your fingers through his hair. Let him know you think he’s desirable without overwhelming him with your desire. You can ask him, even after he makes an ordinary comment, “Honey, are you FLIRTING with me?” with a delighted grin.

It sounds obvious, but you must talk to him. Just don’t charge into it screaming, “You NEVER initiate sex and it makes me feel like an UGLY COW and we’re going to TALK ABOUT THIS and FIX IT RIGHT NOW!” That approach is enough to turn off the most libidinous man. Instead, some time when you’re both relaxed, start a “remember when” conversation. “Remember that night we necked for hours in the back seat of your dad’s car?” or “Remember the time we ducked into the bathroom at that boring party for a quickie? That was so hot!” Turn the conversation to things you both like or things you’ve always wanted to try. Don’t start anything physical, just keep it easy and fun.

When you do have sex, don’t spoil it afterward by saying, “Whew! It’s about time!” or something equally rude – he’ll feel as though he just can’t win. Give him a lascivious smile or a lewd wink a few hours later to remind you both of the fun you had together; whisper, “Yummy!” in his ear while you’re watching TV that night. Purr.

Concentrate on why you love him and make a special effort to connect with him on those wavelengths. It’s too easy to let resentment about the sexual famine come between you. You may think, “Why should I have to be the one to do all the flirting? It’s the 21st century, for goodness’ sake; we’re supposed to be equals.” Well, successful relationships have never been 50/50, despite what you may have heard; they are usually 90/10. Some days you’re the 90, some days you’re the 10; in any case, you are hoping to make things better, so don’t worry about keeping score; relax and enjoy one another as much as you can. A great sex life is a joy and a blessing to any woman.